Living on the Edge of Anxiety and How Jesus Holds Me Fast
Living on the Edge of Anxiety
And How Jesus Holds Me Fast
“When I become aware of the roots of my anxiety, it helps me to redirect the affections of my heart. I have to be willing to lay down my hopes, dreams, desires, and all the ways I imagined my life would be and trust wholeheartedly in the goodness and sovereignty of God. When I shift my focus from strategizing and problem solving my future to entrusting my life to a sovereign God who loves me and gave Himself for me, everything changes. ”
We all struggle with anxiety at some point in our lives. To experience anxiety is to be human. Some people feel a normal sense of anxiety when they are anticipating a stressful life event while others experience excessive worry, fear, or dread that can cause debilitating physiological responses in their body like increased heart rate, dizziness, shortness of breath, diarrhea, or a full-blown panic attack. Recent studies reveal that one out of every five people suffers from anxiety worldwide. This has become an issue I care deeply about because myself and others I care deeply about struggle with anxiety. It’s a real issue that real people face, and it is running rampant in our society. In the past two years the prevalence of anxiety and depression has increased by 25%. Certainly we can attribute a lot of that to the fear and isolation caused by the Pandemic, or the increased time the average person spends comparing their lives to others on social media, or the non-stop news cycle of gloom and doom, but I think there’s a common denominator that runs deeper than that and is prevalent in all of us regardless of our circumstances or what methods we employ to cope with our anxiety.
Jesus knew what was in the heart of every man. (John 2:25) I believe that’s why He took the time to address our anxiousness. He knew anxiety was part of our nature and would inevitably be something we would struggle with. Jesus begins His teaching on anxiety in Matthew 6:25 with the word, “therefore”. This word acts as a signal that we need to back up a few verses for some more context. In Matthew 6:19-24 Jesus is talking about earthly and heavenly treasures. Whatever we treasure most in this life is what our hearts will cling to. This is such a great filter to run our worries through. When I find myself getting overwhelmed by the continual decline of function in my body caused by a twenty year battle with Multiple Sclerosis, I have to check my heart. What am I clinging to? More often than not, I am holding too tightly to the picture of what I wanted my life to look like in this season. I envisioned working, traveling, going on hikes in the mountains and sunset walks on the beach with my husband. My plan did not include disability and the subsequent limitations that are progressively shrinking my world. I pictured myself being a Grammy to my grandchildren who is fun, fit, vibrant and able to help. Some days I need to take a moment to grieve the death of this dream, and that’s ok. Yet some days I feel a nauseating panic well up in my heart; it’s overwhelming to be faced with the fact that as hard as today is, tomorrow will most likely be harder. Some days living in this body can feel like being chained to a slowly sinking ship with no hope of escape. I would be overcome by dread if left to my own devices of coping with this difficult reality. Instead, I am slowly learning to let Jesus loosen my grip on the things of this world and show me how to cling to Him instead. This does not mean it’s easy, nor does it come naturally. It runs in complete opposition to what the world tells us will solve our problems, but it is the answer that I need and the only one that has helped me so far. If you struggle with anxiety, I hope it will help you too.
Sometimes clinging to Jesus can feel like riding on the back of a wave runner with my brother when I was a kid. No matter how tightly I would hold onto him, his sudden rips and turns would inevitably break my grasp on his life jacket and send me flying through the air, thumping across the water at break-neck speeds. Thankfully, that’s not how it works with Jesus. My grasp on Him does not depend on my ability to hang on, but on His steady, unfailing ability to hold onto me. And not only am I secure in His grasp, but the Father’s grasp as well. There is a double security for us when we entrust ourselves to the hands of Jesus.
“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand.” - John 10:27-29
I have learned that even in the midst of my weakest moments, Jesus holds me fast. When I am weak and lose the will or strength to hold on to Him, He never lets go of me. This idea runs contrary to the mantras of this world that bombard us daily. Their message stands in stark contrast to the truth of the gospel. They deny the reality of our depravity and desperate need for Christ, and assure us that we are enough on our own. This illusion of self-sufficiency will only hold us captive and confine us to our limited capacity. There is an enemy of our soul who would love for us to forget God’s all-sufficiency and rely on our insufficient selves. It can relieve a ton of pressure when we recognize these lies and realize it doesn’t all depend on us.
As I sit here and consider my current situation, it’s hard to stay in the moment. I fret about what the future will look like for my husband and children the more my disease progresses and I am forced to rely on them for help. My heart is gripped with worry when I consider the possibility of becoming a burden for them that they cannot bear. Then I am reminded of the penetrating question Jesus asked when He was teaching on anxiety,
“And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” - Matthew 6:27
All the worry in the world is not going to change the outcome of my life. I must trust God one day at a time. Jesus reminds us in this passage that our heavenly Father knows what we need. Our proper response when confronted with overwhelming anxious thoughts is to seek God first and foremost with our lives and He will take care of the rest.(Matthew 6:31-33) This doesn’t mean that if we seek God we will receive our desired outcome, or that our anxiety will instantly vanish. It means that even in the midst of our anxiety, we must take that first step of faith toward God. We must be constantly aware of all the desires that creep up in our hearts and displace our desire for God. When I start to feel angry and anxious about my situation it’s like a warning light on the dashboard of my heart. I want something that I do not have and I’m worried I’m not going to get it. Honestly, I usually want the approval of others; to feel beautiful and attractive according to the world’s standards, rather than embarrassed by my broken body. As I anticipate the rejection and judgment of others, anxiousness instantly wells up in my heart and mind. When I become aware of the roots of my anxiety, it helps me to redirect the affections of my heart. I have to be willing to lay down my hopes, dreams, desires, and all the ways I imagined my life would be and trust wholeheartedly in the goodness and sovereignty of God. When I shift my focus from strategizing and problem solving my future to entrusting my life to a sovereign God who loves me and gave Himself for me, everything changes.
This age-old truth has been echoed in the Church for hundreds of years. The Heidelberg Catechism addresses this idea in its first question that a solid Christian faith must answer, “What is our only comfort in life and death?” Its answer is as follows:
“That I, with body and soul, both in life and in death, am not my own, but belong to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ, who with His precious blood has fully satisfied for all my sins, and redeemed me from all the power of the devil; and so preserves me that without the will of my Father in heaven not a hair can fall from my head; indeed, that all things must work together for my salvation. Wherefore, by His Holy Spirit, He also assures me of eternal life, and makes me heartily willing and ready from now on to live unto Him.”
I love this gritty, guttural declaration. I often wonder how much of our anxiety would diminish if we focused on these truths of Scripture rather than our fears and insecurities? Sometimes I think my faith is so anemic compared to that of the early Church Fathers who endured far worse hardships than I will ever face, yet possessed such a palpable, unflinching faith. I often wonder if the ease and comfort of the American Church has weakened its ability to withstand the trials of life. Sometimes I think we need to flip the script. Instead of allowing our struggles and circumstances to justify our doubts and worry, what if we saw them as an opportunity to exercise our faith and glorify God? It’s not wrong to be grieved over our trials, we just need to move through our grief to a place of faith. Like Peter admonishes us,
“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith - more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire - may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” - 1 Peter 1:6-7
