When the Mountain Doesn’t Move
When the Mountain Doesn’t Move
As I process my reality, I feel like I have a case of spiritual whiplash. For so many years I assumed that God was going to be glorified through my healing, but now I am confronted with the reality that my physical healing may not be the means by which God is most glorified in my life. As I learn to let go of my expectations and yield my heart to the sovereign will of God, He is showing me how I need to adjust my theology.
Hope is a fascinating thing in the human heart. A classic line in the Hunger Games trilogy poignantly captures its power when President Snow admits the threat hope poses to a totalitarian ruler,
“Hope, it is the only thing stronger than fear. A little hope is effective, a lot of hope is dangerous”.
We can endure unimaginable suffering when there is hope that our pain will end. Conversely, the wisdom of Proverbs attests that when hope is deferred it makes the heart sick. (Proverbs 13:12) God designed us to be hope dependent, hope seeking, hope motivated creatures. This is why we must exercise extreme caution in where and in whom we place our hope. There is nothing more crushing to the human spirit than disappointed hope. This is something God has been teaching me a lot about lately.
I always imagined my story would turn out differently than it has. I never pictured losing the ability to walk by the time I was fifty years old. I planned on being active well into my later years; playing with my grandchildren, traveling with my husband, going on long hikes and sunset walks on the beach. My version of my story always went one of two ways:
Option A: God leads me to a treatment or regimen that heals and restores my health. Or,
Option B: I’m at a prayer meeting and God miraculously heals me, and as a result many see and put their faith in the Lord.
The storyline in my head never included a third option of continual decline. As a result, I have spent the last twenty years fervently praying for healing and my husband and I have spent tens of thousands of dollars pursuing a plethora of treatments, supplements, and nutritional strategies to reverse or slow down the progression of Multiple Sclerosis.There have been glimpses of improvement and seasons of reprieve, but after two decades of wrestling with MS it finally has the upper hand on this broken body of mine. Myself and so many others who love and care about me have prayed on my behalf for this mountain to move, but it has not.
Today I find myself in unfamiliar terrain. It feels like an in-between place, a no-man’s land where I can either sink into isolation and despair, or cultivate deeper roots of trust in my Heavenly Father. On one side, my flesh is so tired of this fight. The path of least resistance beckons me to give up and give in. As my world and options to participate in it shrink, it would be so much easier to just stay home where no one has to witness the struggle I face to do the simplest of tasks; a shelter of seclusion where my pain, discomfort, and humiliation can be dealt with in privacy. When I consider this option, I confess it has a significant appeal. Then there is the other side, where the Spirit reminds me of the truth and how suffering is one of God’s most effective tools for producing maturity in His children. He also reminds me that what I have perceived as silence and unanswered prayer from God has actually been His answer all along. It was just not the answer I expected or hoped for.
As I process my reality, I feel like I have a case of spiritual whiplash. For so many years I assumed that God was going to be glorified through my healing, but now I am confronted with the reality that my physical healing may not be the means by which God is most glorified in my life. As I learn to let go of my expectations and yield my heart to the sovereign will of God, He is showing me how I need to adjust my theology. Throughout the New Testament we are taught that God, as our Redeemer, has a purpose in our pain. When we learn to think rightly about suffering, it can become something we embrace rather than dread.
“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” - Romans 5:3-5
This concept of suffering is affirmed again in the book of James,
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” - James 1:2-4
And just in case you thought it was a coincidence that Paul and James echo each other, we see this sentiment again from Peter,
“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith - more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire - may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” - 1 Peter 1:6-7
Peter likens suffering to a furnace. Its heat causes all our impurities and sin to rise to the surface of our hearts. I am thankful for how God is using my physical struggles to reveal pockets of sin in my life that He wants me to surrender to Him. One of my biggest challenges in my daily routine is getting dressed in the morning. I cannot lift my right leg and step into my pants without getting tangled up, losing my balance, and falling over. I have a chair in my closet to help with this, but in my pride and stubbornness I still try to do it on my own. The frustration of this struggle pushes me past my boiling point. My anger erupts in a tantrum of growls and expletives. For a while I gave myself permission to give full vent to my anger while in the privacy of my own closet; it seemed only fair considering my circumstances. Then the conviction of the Holy Spirit gently entered into the furnace with me. I sensed Him ask me why I was so angry. In tears I realized that the anger I felt justified in expressing, was actually rooted in the sin of idolatry. I was angry because I wanted what I did not have. I had made an idol out of having an able body. More than wanting Jesus and His will for my life, I wanted a body that functioned properly - but if that is what I really needed - God would have given it to me.
What I really need, God has already graciously and sufficiently given. According to God’s great mercy, He has caused me to be born again to a living hope through the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. (1 Peter 1:3) He has prepared an inheritance for me that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for me. (1 Peter 1:4) Right now, by God’s power, He is guarding me - through faith - for a salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. (1 Peter 1:5) The outcome of my faith is not to obtain temporal blessings on earth, but to obtain the salvation of my soul for all eternity. According to God’s perspective, this life I am living - afflictions included - are producing an eternal weight of glory that is far beyond anything my mind can comprehend. (2 Corinthians 4:17) If I place my hope in anything outside of Jesus, I will face disappointment not only in this life, but also in the one to come. Instead, I must set my hope fully on the grace that will be brought to me at the revelation of Jesus Christ. (1 Peter 1:13) This is a hope that will never disappoint.
