Undo Me
“ I have felt God heal and restore so much within me as He has been unraveling my skewed concept of Church. Church used to be something I did, now it is something I am.”
We all have cringeworthy moments. You know, the ones that play on repeat in our minds when we’re trying to fall asleep at night - and no matter how many times we replay them, we can never alter their outcome. Moments that once done, cannot be undone. As I consider all the things in my life I wish I could undo, a flood of instances come to mind. Words I have spoken in haste, the car I rear ended because I was checking the rearview mirror to see if I had a booger in my nose (yes I just admitted that), and time lost while scrolling through social media in an attempt to find connection, only to feel more alone than before. Regret can weigh heavy on our hearts when we struggle to let go of what could have been and feel powerless to repair the consequences of our poor choices. There are some things, however, that can be undone in our lives. Things like unhealthy patterns, habits, and faulty ways of thinking. These can eventually be unraveled when we learn to humble ourselves, acknowledge our need for change, and replace our pride and self-sufficiency with dependence and teachability. It’s in this place we can find the courage to admit that we are wrong and chart a new course. Isn’t this what it means to repent? To be willing to change our mind, and subsequently our direction.
God has used the events of 2020 and beyond to radically shift our lives in a new direction. When my husband and I got married almost 28 years ago, we were young in our faith and had no idea what it looked like to raise a Christian family. We knew we needed a strong faith community; a church that would provide ample resources and direction for this uncharted course we were newly navigating. When we found the right church we planted deep roots and spent over 21 years of our lives investing our time, talents, and treasures there. I deeply love and cherish the relationships that were built over those years. They shaped me into who I am today. In the fall of 2020 we were hit by an unexpected storm. My battle with chronic illness took a turn for the worse and I could no longer function in the role I had been serving on staff at our church for over ten years. In addition to this huge life change, we were simultaneously faced with some convictions we could no longer ignore. After much introspection and a lot of prayer we made the decision to leave our church of 21 years. This was not a light decision, but one we are learning so much from. I’m grateful for the friends who have unconditionally loved me through this season of change. They have sat with me through hard conversations, listened to my heart, and wrestled with me through some difficult questions.
This transition has given me a dramatic paradigm shift in my understanding of the Church. I have spent over a year trying to wrap my mind around it all. I have saturated myself in the Word of God, spent hours upon hours listening to expository teaching that has deepened my faith and fortified the framework around my theological understanding. I have to confess, the nerd in me gets giddy with excitement about how much I have yet to learn and explore. I have barely begun to scratch the surface. I can’t help but thank God for how He is using my current physical limitations in order to allow me this precious time to absorb so much of His truth. God has filled my heart with so much wonder, I cannot keep it all to myself. I deeply resonate with the words of Paul in Colossians 1:24-28,
“Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in Christi’s afflictions for the sake of His body, that is, the church, of which I became a minister according to the stewardship from God that was given to me for you, to make the word of God fully known, the mystery hidden for ages and generations but now revealed to his saints. To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ.”
I have felt a persistent sense of urgency for the church. I confess that I am a broken sinner, I am undone by the grace God has bestowed on my life. I deserve nothing. I have many vices I wrestle with on the daily, yet God who is rich in mercy, has been so very patient with me. It’s from this place of utter debasement and full acknowledgement of my own shortcomings that I share these concerns. Unfortunately, I cannot share my story without some collateral damage. If at any point in reading this, you feel I am pointing a finger at you, please know that there are four other fingers pointing back at me. What I share is not only an indictment of the mainstream American church but also a confession of my own guilt and complicity in its shortcomings. I invite you to enter into the conversation and wrestle with me. Before your defenses go up, ask the Holy Spirit to search your own heart and reveal any grievous way in you so He can lead you in the way everlasting! (Psalm 139:23-24) This journey has led me to a place of so much freedom, healing, and sheer awe of the goodness and glory of God. I hope you will experience some of that with me as I share my story.
We as the Church are the Bride of Christ. We have been ransomed by the precious blood of Jesus. (1 Peter 1:18-19) This is no light matter. We are repeatedly commanded throughout scripture to defend, protect, and preserve the truth. We are also warned that it will not go well for those of us who choose to draw the line of absolute truth in the sand. I recently read that 46% of church attenders surveyed in 2020 rejected the idea of absolute moral truth. We can no longer assume that the person sitting next to us in church adheres to or shares a Christian Worldview. How did we get here? How did we allow the way we do church to drift so far from what is prescribed in the Bible? There are a variety of factors that have contributed to this, but in my estimation, they all have one common denominator: PRIDE. We have made ourselves the center of every story, every sermon, every book in the christian marketplace. (okay…maybe not every, but you get my point) We have lost our way and forgotten the core message of the gospel. It’s actually not about us. We are not the hero of the story, God is. Christianity is not a self-help program, but the acknowledgement that apart from Christ, we are utterly incapable of helping ourselves. The gospel does not declare our great value and worth, it declares the glory of God. A merciful God who saw fit to love and rescue us in spite of ourselves. “But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us.” - Romans 5:8 There has been a subtle softening of the gospel message in many churches.
The alteration was undetectable at first as we trimmed the pointed edges off the hard parts. The parts that require us to acknowledge our own depravity before a holy God, repent, and confess our desperate need for a Savior. I fear, in an attempt to draw as many people as possible to Christ, the church has minimized the pure gospel message and turned to cultural tactics to attract people to Jesus. If we use worldly means to draw people to church, we will have to rely on worldly means to keep them coming. When we do this, we empty the cross of its power.
I am gripped by grief as I recall how polluted my worship had become. The contamination crept in so subtly, I didn’t realize how much it had corrupted me, until I had something different to compare it to. I had made going to church about me. It had become a place I sought my worth and approval by doing good, serving others, and being recognized for my abilities. When others would be elevated for their talents and good deeds I would celebrate with them, but if I’m honest, there would be a twinge of jealousy, insecurity and sense of failure that would darken my heart. Like watching other kids be nominated student of the week in Kindergarten, I wanted my turn to be the star pupil. When I went to church I would carry this knot of tension in my stomach, worried about who would say hi to me, acknowledge me, and validate my performance. I knew this was sinful and I would constantly correct myself, reminding myself “Whose I was and Whom I served” with a sticky note I kept on my desk. This reminder would recenter me for awhile, only to be swept away again by the overpowering current of my own approval addiction. I assumed this was a battle I would always have to wage; the cross of my own sinful tendencies I had to bear.
Then God gave me a new picture. He has allowed me to experience church as a place where people take the backseat and He is the only One elevated as the object of worship. Week by week and month by month at my new church I felt God lift this burden from me. The knot of tension in my stomach that relentlessly sought approval from others is all but gone. I have felt God heal and restore so much within me as He has been unraveling my skewed concept of Church. Church used to be something I did, now it is something I am. It is a living, growing body, that apart from, I cannot survive.
Do you feel that way about your church? If not, I hope you will find one where you do. Church used to be a place I sought validation through acceptance, performance, and my ability to help. Now it’s a place I come to worship corporately within the communion of the saints. A place where Christ is elevated. Not a worship leader, not a speaker, only Jesus. A place where Christ is the Head; the Bridegroom; and we are His bride. Missing a Sunday used to feel inconsequential, now the thought of missing church feels like having the air sucked out of my lungs. I still love to help and serve, but it now comes from an overflow of worship, done from a desire to attribute worth to God rather than usurp worth for myself. Now I just want to become less so He can become more. The gospel is the only attraction we need to draw us to church. If we are coming for anything less, we are in danger of deceiving ourselves. Jesus is the only one with the power to save. “And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.” - Acts 4:12
That is why “Oil for Your Lamp” is the name I chose for this blog. It’s in reference to the parable of the ten virgins from Matthew 25:1-13. This passage has been echoing in my heart this past year, and I keep coming back to it, asking the Lord what He wants me to see. It’s actually a very sobering passage that depicts five women who were prepared when Jesus returned and five who thought they were ready, but were grievously mistaken. All ten women were in the same community of faith, yet five of them were not granted access to the marriage feast. Instead, they were given this chilling reply from the Lord, “Truly I say to you, I do not know you.” It can be surmised that these five women represent people who enjoyed the benefits of Christian community, but lacked a genuine love for the Lord; a true understanding of all Christ had accomplished for them on the cross. They had hoped that their association with other believers would get them into heaven, but that’s not how it works.
We are all individually accountable before the Lord. That’s why it’s so imperative that the gospel is preached fully and accurately, so that all who hear it will have an opportunity to respond and discover the unsearchable riches revealed in Christ. It is through the Church that God intended His manifold wisdom to be made known. When a church fails to faithfully preach the gospel in all its fullness, it is stripping itself of its life and power and is no longer preparing its people to be ready for the Lord. I long to grow more and more in my understanding of His Word and the beauty of the gospel. My heart in writing this blog is to invite you on this journey with me. A journey where we will ask the hard questions and examine our hearts before the Lord. A place where we are willing to be undone by the goodness and glory of God; a place where we are willing to allow the Lord to undo our faulty ways of thinking and doing; a place where we prepare our hearts for the coming of the Lord and are ready with an ample supply of oil for our lamps.
